Top 29 George Burns Funny Quotes (Special Collection)

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George Burns Funny Quotes

We got a massive collection of George Burns funny quotes. I’m sure the following funny sayings by George Burns will make you laugh.

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George Burns funny quotes

We got George Burns funny quotes about all the fields of life. We researched and collected only George Burns’ quotes to lessen your efforts.


First, you forget names, then you forget faces. Next, you forget to pull your zipper up, and finally, you forget to pull it down.

– George Burns


Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar, and a good woman – or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

– George Burns


How can I die? I’m booked.

– George Burns


I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

– George Burns


I can’t afford to die; I’d lose too much money.

– George Burns


I look to the future because that’s where I’m going to spend the rest of my life.

– George Burns


I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age, I have to hold on to something.

– George Burns


I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

– George Burns


I’m at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

– George Burns


I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere.

– George Burns


If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress, and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it.

– George Burns


It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

– George Burns


Lovely hilarious saying of a retired man!

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five, I still had pimples.

– George Burns


Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

– George Burns


Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

– George Burns


When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.

– George Burns


You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.

– George Burns


I can’t understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid, there was so little of it.

– George Burns


If you’re a smoker, then this Hilarious saying will be an excellent reply.

When asked in his late 90s, if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, “No … he’s dead.”

– George Burns


There are two kinds of cruises – pleasure and children.

– George Burns


Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

– George Burns


Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

– George Burns


Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.

– George Burns


In those days, the best painkiller was ice; it wasn’t addictive, and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

– George Burns


I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

– George Burns


By the time you’re eighty years old, you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.

– George Burns


Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

– George Burns


Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

– George Burns


Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that’s down can come up.

– George Burns

Do you have a few more authentic funny sayings by George Burns? Leave in the comment, and I will add to the list.

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2 thoughts on “Top 29 George Burns Funny Quotes (Special Collection)”

  1. I notice looking at George Byrnes quote sites that they (including yours are almost all identical).Here’s a couple of new ones for you. When asked is it true you smoke x amount of cigars a day and drink x amount of whiskey he replied yes. Asked what his doctor says about this he ,pauses and then says flatly He’s dead!!another “age is something you write on a birth cert or death cert”your only as old as you feel


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