Top 29 George Burns Funny Quotes (Special Collection)

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George Burns Funny Quotes

We got a massive collection of George Burns funny quotes. I’m sure the following funny sayings by George Burns will make you laugh.

George Burns funny quotes

We got George Burns funny quotes about all the fields of life. We researched and collected only George Burns’ quotes to lessen your efforts.

1.

First, you forget names, then you forget faces. Next, you forget to pull your zipper up, and finally, you forget to pull it down.

– George Burns

2.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar, and a good woman – or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

– George Burns

3.

How can I die? I’m booked.

– George Burns

4.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

– George Burns

5.

I can’t afford to die; I’d lose too much money.

– George Burns

6.

I look to the future because that’s where I’m going to spend the rest of my life.

– George Burns

7.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age, I have to hold on to something.

– George Burns

8.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

– George Burns

9.

I’m at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

– George Burns

10.

I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere.

– George Burns

11.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress, and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it.

– George Burns

12.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

– George Burns

13.

Lovely hilarious saying of a retired man!

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five, I still had pimples.

– George Burns

14.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

– George Burns

15.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

– George Burns

16.

When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.

– George Burns

17.

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.

– George Burns

18.

I can’t understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid, there was so little of it.

– George Burns

19.

If you’re a smoker, then this Hilarious saying will be an excellent reply.

When asked in his late 90s, if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, “No … he’s dead.”

– George Burns

20.

There are two kinds of cruises – pleasure and children.

– George Burns

21.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

– George Burns

22.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

– George Burns

23.

Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.

– George Burns

24.

In those days, the best painkiller was ice; it wasn’t addictive, and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

– George Burns

25.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

– George Burns

26.

By the time you’re eighty years old, you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.

– George Burns

27.

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

– George Burns

28.

Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

– George Burns

29.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that’s down can come up.

– George Burns

Do you have a few more authentic funny sayings by George Burns? Leave in the comment, and I will add to the list.

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2 thoughts on “Top 29 George Burns Funny Quotes (Special Collection)”

  1. I notice looking at George Byrnes quote sites that they (including yours are almost all identical).Here’s a couple of new ones for you. When asked is it true you smoke x amount of cigars a day and drink x amount of whiskey he replied yes. Asked what his doctor says about this he ,pauses and then says flatly He’s dead!!another “age is something you write on a birth cert or death cert”your only as old as you feel

    Reply

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