Top 29 George Burns Funny Quotes

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George Burns Funny Quotes

We got a huge collection of George Burns funny quotes. I’m sure the following funny sayings by George Burns will make you laugh.

George Burns funny quotes

We got George Burns funny quotes about all the fields of life.

1.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

– George Burns

2.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman – or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

– George Burns

3.

How can I die? I’m booked.

– George Burns

4.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

– George Burns

5.

I can’t afford to die; I’d lose too much money.

– George Burns

6.

I look to the future because that’s where I’m going to spend the rest of my life.

– George Burns

7.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age, I have to hold on to something.

– George Burns

8.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

– George Burns

9.

I’m at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

– George Burns

10.

I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere.

– George Burns

11.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it.

– George Burns

12.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

– George Burns

13.

Very beautiful hilarious saying of a retired man!

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

– George Burns

14.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

– George Burns

15.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

– George Burns

16.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

– George Burns

17.

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.

– George Burns

18.

I can’t understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

– George Burns

19.

If you’re a smoker then this Hilarious saying will be a wonderful reply.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, “No … he’s dead.”

– George Burns

20.

There are two kinds of cruises – pleasure and with children.

– George Burns

21.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

– George Burns

22.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

– George Burns

23.

Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.

– George Burns

24.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn’t addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

– George Burns

25.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

– George Burns

26.

By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.

– George Burns

27.

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

– George Burns

28.

Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

– George Burns

29.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that’s down can come up.

– George Burns

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