300+ Funny Quotes Categorised By Famous Authors

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Short funny quotes about life by George Carlin
funny quotes image #1

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

― George Carlin

For funny quotes lovers, we categorized some other lists of funniest quotes by famous celebrities that will make your day! (Believe it or not but all these efforts are for you).

  1. Top 71 Funny Quotes by Mark Twain
  2. Top 29 George Burns Funny Quotes
  3. Top 59 Very Short Funny Sayings About Life
  4. 23 Life Is Short Funny Quotes With Witty Images
  5. Top 16 Funny Quotes About Love

As we gathered a huge list of funny quotations so divided those in two categories.

  • Random Picks
  • Categorised by famous authors

So you can read hilarious sayings either in random picks or categorised by famous celebrities.

Funny quotes – Random picks

First of all, we have short funny quotes about life and sayings, because short funny quotes about life and hilarious sayings are the ones that can easily be told and shared with friends anywhere.

1.

Funny photo of quotation on enemies forgiveness by Kennedy
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Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

– John F. Kennedy

2.

Funny photo of hilarious quotation on success by Jimy Tomlin
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The road to success is always under construction.

– Lily Tomlin

3.

Herbert Hoover funny quotation on fish and men

All men are equal before fish.

– Herbert Hoover

4.

Funny quotation on marriage by marx

5.

Funny photo of quotation on body by George Carlin

I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

– George Carlin

6.

Funny quotes on failure by George Carlin

If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?

– George Carlin

7.

Funny quotation on children by Erma Bombeck

Never have more children than you have car windows.

– Erma Bombeck

8.

Funny Quotes - Hilarious Love Life Sayings Phrases by Heimel

If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?

– Cynthia Heimel

9.

Funny phrase on joke by Charles De Gaulle

He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.

– Charles de Gaulle

10.

Funny quotation on gym machines by Rhea

My favourite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

– Caroline Rhea

11.

Funny saying by Jerry Seinfeld on success failure and books

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

– Jerry Seinfeld

13.

Funny saying about brain by Lawrance Ferlinghetti

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

– Lawrence Ferlinghetti

14.

Funny shut up quotation by Will Rogers

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

– Will Rogers

15.

Funny quotation on hate by Gena Showalter

I don’t hate you. I just don’t like that you exist

– Gena Showalter

16.

Funny quotes on the words by Roald Dahl

Don’t gobblefunk around with words.

– Roald Dahl

17.

Funny quotes on money by Benjamin Franklin

A penny saved is a penny earned.

– Benjamin Franklin

18.

Funny quotes - Confucius quote on funny people

The funniest people are the saddest ones.

– Confucius

19.

Funny quotation on salary by John Barrymore

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?

– John Barrymore

The following are amazing funniest quotes by famous authors.

Tired of scrolling down? Then here is a video of funny quotes to make you feel great anytime.

This great collection of funny quotes will surely make you laugh.

Well, if you want to copy funniest sayings here is the collection.

20.

If you like Mark Twain then you must read the top 71 funny quotes by Mark Twain.

Mark Twain funny quotation on age

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

– Mark Twain

21.

Neighbourhood funny quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighbourhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.

– Rodney Dangerfield

22.

American dream funny quotes by George Carlin

That’s why they call it the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.

– George Carlin

23.

Funny quotes - hilarious quote by Bill Cosby

A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice.

– Bill Cosby

24.

Funny quotes on funerals by Yogi Berra

Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise, they won’t come to yours.

– Yogi Berra

25.

The funny quotation by Mark Twain on health books

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

– Mark Twain

26.

Funny quotes - sayings on girl by Masashi Kishimoto

She’s strong! And scary…I bet she’s single…I’d put money on it.

– Masashi Kishimoto

27.

James thurber funny quotation about women

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

– James Thurber

28.

Funny quotes - saying on literature by Alfred Hitchcock

Puns are the highest form of literature.

– Alfred Hitchcock

29.

Paul Getty hilarious quotation on success

I’d rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort.

– J. Paul Getty

30.

Funny saying on life and death by Isaac Asimov

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.

– Isaac Asimov

31.

Funny saying on end of the world by Herge

Hooray! Hooray! The end of the world has been postponed!

– Hergé

32.

Funny quotes - Confucius quotes on funny and sad people

The funniest people are the saddest ones.

– Confucius

33.

Funny quotation on marriage by Helen Rowland

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

– Helen Rowland

34.

Funny quotes - hilarious saying on stupidity by Harlan Ellison

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

– Harlan Ellison

35.

funny quotes

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

– Billy Wilder

Funny quotes – Categorised by famous celebrities & authors

Here is the collection of the most popular short funny sayings and hilarious quotes about life by famous people. The hilarious phrases will make you laugh and I’m sure you won’t stop laughing. If you love these laughable quotes with eye-catching pictures then don’t forget to share with the people you want to make them laugh.

1.

Short funny sayings by George Carlin
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The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

― George Carlin

2.

Short Funny sayings by Phillis
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

― Phyllis Diller

Cool funny quotes by the comedian Ellen DeGeneres

Ellen Lee DeGeneres is a versatile, lady. She is an American comedian, writer, television host, actress and producer.

That’s why you must believe that these quotations are gonna make your day.

1.

Short funny sayings by Ellen
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Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.

― Ellen DeGeneres

2.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.

― Ellen DeGeneres

3.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

― Ellen DeGeneres

4.

You know, it’s hard work to write a book. I can’t tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic.

― Ellen DeGeneres

5.

If you want to test cosmetics, why do it on some poor animal who hasn’t done anything? They should use prisoners who have been convicted of murder or rape instead. So, rather than seeing if perfume irritates a bunny rabbit’s eyes, they should throw it in Charles Manson’s eyes and ask him if it hurts.

― Ellen DeGeneres

6.

Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.

― Ellen DeGeneres

7.

Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that you’ve never sung before, and you realize you’ve never sung the right words in that song? You hear them and all of a sudden you say to yourself, ‘Life in the Fast Lane?’ That’s what they’re saying right there? You think, ‘why have I been singing ‘wipe in the vaseline?’ how many people have heard me sing ‘wipe in the vaseline?’ I am an idiot.

― Ellen DeGeneres

8.

My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.

― Ellen DeGeneres

9.

I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.

― Ellen DeGeneres

10.

You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that’s how it’s spelled.

― Ellen DeGeneres

11.

Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.

― Ellen DeGeneres

12.

Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.

― Ellen DeGeneres

13.

People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.

― Ellen DeGeneres

14.

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

― Ellen DeGeneres

15.

I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon.

― Ellen DeGeneres

16.

I’m so unfamiliar with the gym, I call it James!

― Ellen DeGeneres

17.

I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush.

― Ellen DeGeneres

18.

I wonder what will happen if I put hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?

― Ellen DeGeneres

19.

Take a nap in a fireplace and you’ll sleep like a log.

― Ellen DeGeneres

20.

Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn’t enough. You also have to move the chair.

― Ellen DeGeneres

21.

One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.

― Ellen DeGeneres

22.

When life gives you lemons….they could really be oranges.

― Ellen DeGeneres

23.

Now,I’m no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They’re tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they’re saying and that boosts your health and happiness. “Knock Knock… Who’s There?.. Little endorphin… Little endorphin who?… Little Endorphin Annie.” And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science.

― Ellen DeGeneres

24.

Answers to Frequently Asked Questions:
Yes.
Yes.
No.
One time in high school.
Three times in my twenties.
Rocks no salt.
Yes.
Four.
Never. And how dare you!
I will take no further questions.

― Ellen DeGeneres

25.

Haiku sounds like I’m
Saying hi to someone named
Ku. Hi, Ku. Hello.

― Ellen DeGeneres

6 Hilarious quotations by Golda Meir

Golda Meir was a teacher, politician and 4th prime minister of Israel. So the quotations are accordingly.

1.

Short funny sayings by Golda Meir
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Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.

― Golda Meir

2.

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!

― Golda Meir

3.

My dear, old age is like an airplane flying in a storm. Once you’re in it there’s nothing you can do. You can’t stop a plane, you can’t stop a storm, you can’t stop time. So you might as well take it easy, with wisdom.

― Golda Meir

4.

A story once went the rounds of Israel to the effect that Ben-Gurion described me as ‘the only man’ in his cabinet. What amused me about is that he (or whoever invented the story) thought that this was the greatest compliment that could be paid to a woman. I very much doubt that any man would have been flattered if I had said about him that he was the only woman in the government!

― Golda Meir

5.

Fashion is an imposition, a rein on freedom.
― Golda Meir

6.

I don’t know why you use a fancy French word like détente when there’s a good English phrase for it — cold war.

― Golda Meir

Sweet funny quotes by Lauren Myracle

These funny quotes might not make you laugh hard but these are really meaningful and lovely.

So it’s a great choice for all those who are introvert. You can call these as introvert hilarious sayings.

1.

Short funny sayings by Lauren
Short funny sayings image #5

I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.

― Lauren Myracle

2.

You should eat a waffle! You can’t be sad if you eat a waffle!

― Lauren Myracle

3.

They’re not chicks. They’re ducks.

― Lauren Myracle

4.

I didn’t like being alone. Being alone was slightly better than having to deal with people, that’s all. Or so I’d convinced myself.

― Lauren Myracle

5.

Hello toes,” I say. They’re good toes. I like that they’re long and slender and not the slightest bit stubby. I wiggle them, ten unstubby waves that say, “And hello to you, Human Host!”
Except they’re toes. I’m talking to my toes. Maybe I’m not bored… maybe I’m lonely?

― Lauren Myracle

6.

…your ass is grass…

― Lauren Myracle

7.

And they all have pretty children,
And the children go to school,
And the children to go summer camp,
And then to the university,
Where they are put in boxes
And they come out all the same.
– Malvina Reynolds

― Lauren Myracle

8.

I was just teasing,” I say. “I myself don’t like to eat plain butter, but hey, it’s a free world.”

― Lauren Myracle

9.

If you sense that someone feels disconnected, reach out to them,” the speaker urges. “buy them a soda. Compliment their new hairdo. It’ll make them feel better, and you’ll feel better knowing you’ve been a channel of grace.”
Jolene leans over and whispers, “My pen is feeling disconnected. Will you be a channel of grave and get it for me?”

― Lauren Myracle

10.

Yes, that man acted ugly,” she told us in plain English. “But throwing more ugliness back at him ain’t the answer.

― Lauren Myracle

11.

Because it’s good for nothing,” I said. keeping my eyes on Tommy. “Because one worthless piece of shit deserves another.”

― Lauren Myracle

12.

The world was out there waiting to be explored—and not just waiting, but wanting to be explored. So why in heaven’s name shouldn’t I investigate every nook and cranny?

― Lauren Myracle

13.

Curse false-hand-holding boys!

― Lauren Myracle

14.

I’d heard a saying about meth, that it took you down one of three roads: jail, the psych ward, or death.

― Lauren Myracle

15.

“hi, puppy.”
she’s not a puppy. She’s a girl,” Nancy’s mother says.
Nancy pats me and says, “Good puppy. Nice puppy.” When he mother bends down to pull her away, she wraps both arms around my legs and wails. “No! My puppy!”

― Lauren Myracle

16.

They follow meaningless, boring rules and live meaningless, boring lives.”
Ahh,” I say. “Except for you, of course.”
That’s right.”
Because you eat butter straight from the pan.”
She arches her eyebrows, like Hey, I call it like I see it.
Whatever,” I say. “I’m not going to eat Snoopy just to make a statement.”

― Lauren Myracle

17.

He wouldn’t have seen the wolf in redneck clothing.
― Lauren Myracle

18.

Wally was worse than any fairy-tale witch, and his trailer wasn’t made of candy.

― Lauren Myracle

19.

Who would want to be poked by some dumb girl with a stick?

― Lauren Myracle

14 Funny quotes by Jess C. Scott

If you’re looking for funny quotes about life lessons then these hilarious sayings by Jess C. Scott are the most suitable ones for you.

1.

Short funny sayings by Jess c. Scott
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2.

A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement.

― Jess C Scott

3.

Short hilarious quotes and sayings by Jess C Scott
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I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?

― Jess C. Scott

4.

This is damn hilarious about people in love. 

I envy people that know love. That has someone who takes them as they are.
― Jess C Scott

5.

I don’t know if this is really hilarious or not, but, I wanted you to read this.

V-Day…if you need this one day in a year to show everyone else you truly care for “your loved one” I think it’s quite stupid. I hate this commercialism. It’s all artificial and has nothing to do with real love.
― Jess C Scott

6.

Are you serious man? LOL

What’s the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?

― Jess C. Scott

7.

The following two are for those who love funny quotes about sex.

Maybe you could be mine / or maybe we’ll be entwined / aimless in this sexless foreplay.

― Jess C Scott

8.

Please, touch me, I pray.

― Jess C Scott

9.

People are sheep. TV is the shepherd.

― Jess C. Scott

10.

You may be married to a star, but that doesn’t mean they’ll treat you like one.

― Jess C. Scott

11.

I was flipping channels, watching this cheerleading program on MTV. They took a field hockey girl and “transformed” her into a cheerleader by the end of the show. I was just wondering: what if she liked field hockey better?

― Jess C Scott

12.

It’s weird, marriage. It’s like this license that gives a person the legal right to control their spouse / their ‘other half.

― Jess C. Scott

13.

Well, for those understand music.

[novan]: bassists are very good with their fingers
[novan]: and some of us sing backup vocals, so that means we’re good with our mouths too…

― Jess C Scott

14.

Anya looked upon Nin admirably. Having him as a partner-in-crime—if only on this one occasion, which she hoped would only be the start of something more—was more revitalizing than the cheap thrills of a cookie-cutter shallow, superficial romance, where the top priority was how beautiful a person was on the outside.

― Jess C Scott

32 Bill Watterson’s Amazing funny quotes

I don’t know who you are and what you do, but, I am damn sure if you want to make laugh loud or make some laugh then these funny quotes are enough!

Believe me, these are my favorite ones.

If you’re sad, in love, in a relationship or whatever you do, and you need damn hilarious sayings then I’m damn sure you won’t go anywhere.

Very short funny quotes about life by Bill Watterson

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.

― Bill Watterson

2.

Reality continues to ruin my life.

― Bill Watterson

3.

It’s not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.

― Bill Watterson

4.

Sometimes when I’m talking, my words can’t keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.

― Bill Watterson

5.

I’m killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.

― Bill Watterson

6.

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

― Bill Watterson

7.

You can’t just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.
What mood is that?
Last-minute panic.

― Bill Watterson

8.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

― Bill Watterson

9.

In my opinion, we don’t devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.

― Bill Watterson

10.

As far as I’m concerned, if something is so complicated that you can’t explain it in 10 seconds, then it’s probably not worth knowing anyway.

― Bill Watterson

11.

You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D’s in school. Well guess what, I get F’s!!!

― Bill Watterson

12.

We’re so busy watching out for what’s just ahead of us that we don’t take time to enjoy where we are.

― Bill Watterson

13.

I’m a misunderstood genius.”
“What’s misunderstood?”
“Nobody thinks I’m a genius.”

― Bill Watterson

14.

Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said ‘I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?

― Bill Watterson

15.

I’m learning skills I will use for the rest of my life by doing homework…procrastinating and negotiation.

― Bill Waterson

16.

God put me on earth to accomplish certain things. Right now, I’m so far behind, I’ll never die.

― Bill Watterson

17.

I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient’s friends.

― Bill Watterson

18.

That’s one of the remarkable things about life. It’s never so bad that it can’t get worse.

― Bill Watterson

19.

I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can play together all night.

― Bill Watterson

20.

I’m not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

― Bill Watterson

21.

You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.

― Bill Watterson

22.

How come we play war and not peace?”
“Too few role models.”

― Bill Watterson

23.

I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.

― Bill Watterson

24.

Calvin: Life’s a lot more fun when you aren’t responsible for your actions.

― Bill Watterson

25.

I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction.

― Bill Watterson

26.

They say the secret of success is being at the right place at the right time, but since you never know when the right time is going to be, I figure the trick is to find the right place and just hang around.

― Bill Waterson

27.

The world isn’t fair, Calvin.”
“I know Dad, but why isn’t it ever unfair in my favor?”

― Bill Watterson

28.

I’ve been thinking Hobbes”
“On a weekend?”
“Well, it wasn’t on purpose”

― Bill Watterson

29.

I try to make everyone’s day a little more surreal.

― Bill Watterson

30.

I like my smock. You can tell the quality of the artist by the quality of his smock. Actually, I just like to say smock. Smock smock smock smock smock smock.

― Bill Watterson

31.

Now what state do you live in?’
‘Denial.

― Bill Watterson

32.

From now on, I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success…. I’m just here to cash in.

― Bill Watterson

Funny Quotes by Jerry Lewis

Although, I spend a lot of time gathering hilarious sayings by famous authors and comedians, sometimes, Google is helpless to provide us with more useful data.

So, I couldn’t get a lot.

If you have some amazing funny quotes from Jerry Lewis, then add in the comments with the source.

1.

Very short Quotes and sayings about idiot Jerry Lewis

I’ve had great success being a total idiot.

― Jerry Lewis

2.

I get paid for what most kids get punished for.

― Jerry Lewis

3.

Every man’s dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands

― Jerry Lewis

Funny Quote by Bernard Branson

Very short hilarious quotes by Bernard

Rejection is an opportunity for your selection.

― Bernard Branson

9. Hilarious quotations by Thomas Bernhard

The hilarious quotations by Thomas Bernhard are quite meaningful to learn from.

1.

Very Short funny quotes by Thomas Bernhard

Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.

― Thomas Bernhard

2.

Reading is still the most bearable of all forms of disgust.

― Thomas Bernhard

3.

But instead of thinking about my book and how to write it, as I go pacing the floor, I fall to counting my footsteps until I feel about to go mad.

― Thomas Bernhard

4.

…if that handsome fellow were a cripple he wouldn’t repel me, but he isn’t a cripple, he is that handsome fellow, so he repels me.

― Thomas Bernhard

5.

Whoever can’t laugh doesn’t deserve to be taken seriously…”
― Thomas Bernhard

6.

A body needs at least
three points of support,
not in a straight line,
to fix its position,
so Roithamer had written.

– Thomas Bernhard

7.

When we meet the very best, we have to give up, I thought.

– Thomas Bernhard

8.

For a long time we see only one side of a person’s personality, because for reasons of self-preservation we do not wish to see any other, I thought, then suddenly we see all sides of their personality and are disgusted by them, I thought.

– Thomas Bernhard

9.

Incredible how rapidly the best relationship, if it is stressed beyond its capacity, wears thin and finally exhausts itself.

– Thomas Bernhard

21 Funny things by Richelle Mead

Richelle Mead is a famous American author. She is the best selling author of Vampire Academy and Bloodlines. Her hilarious quotations are meaningful and have deep lessons.

1.

Hilarious sayings by Richelle Mead

She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.

― Richelle Mead

2.

Ah, my daughter,ʺ he said. ʺEighteen and already youʹve been accused of murder, aided felons, and acquired a death count higher than most guardians will ever see.ʺ He paused. ʺI couldnʹt be prouder.

― Richelle Mead

3.

What’s up?” I asked.

You tell me,” he said. “You were the one about ready to start making out with Adrian.”

It was an experiment,” I said. “It was part of my therapy.”

What the hell kind of therapy are you in?

― Richelle Mead

4.

Only a true best friend can protect you from your immortal enemies.

― Richelle Mead

5.

Takes a lot of tries before you hit perfection.” He paused to reconsider that. “Well, except for my parents. They got it on the first try.” (Adrian)

― Richelle Mead, Bloodlines

6.

You…you got rid of that dress fast,” I pointed out between heavy breaths. “I thought you liked it.”
“I do like it,” he said. His breathing was as heavy as mine. “I love it.”
And then he took me to the bed.

― Richelle Mead

7.

Okay, God, I thought. Get me out of this and I’ll stop my half-assed church-going ways. You got me past a pack of Strigoi tonight. I mean, trapping that one between the doors really shouldn’t have worked, so clearly you’re on board. Let me get out of here, and I’ll…I don’t know. Donate Adrian’s money to the poor. Get baptized. Join a convent. Well, no. Not that last one.

― Richelle Mead, Blood Promise

8.

It’s okay,” I said soothingly. “You’re just getting your stride back. Once you’re up to full power, I’ll go crack a rib or something so we can test it.”
She groaned. “The horrible part is that I don’t think you’re joking.

― Richelle Mead

9.

Relax, having kids is years away. But can you imagine? Your brains, my charm, our collective good looks… then add in the usual physical abilities dhampirs get.

It’s really not even fair to everyone else.

― Richelle Mead

10.

A gun. I had been brought down by a gun. It was practically comical. Cheaters, I thought.

― Richelle Mead

11.

Are you sleepwalking?’ A voice asked behind me.
“I was testing dorm security,” I said. “It sucks.

― Richelle Mead

12.

I wasn’t fooled. He was avoiding looking at me. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
“I knew you’d say that. Actually, it was a toss-up between that and ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.'”
Dimitri sighed.

― Richelle Mead

13.

Do not do that again,” he said stiffly.
“Don’t kiss me back then,” I retorted.
He stared at me for what seemed like forever. “I don’t give ‘Zen lessons’ to hear myself talk. I don’t give them because you’re another student. I’m doing this to teach you control.”
“You’re doing a great job,” I said bitterly.

― Richelle Mead

14.

Piece of Heaven?”

“No, that other place I’m going to go to for thinking what I’m thinking.

― Richelle Mead

15.

Sex had been amazing, but it wasn’t a magical cure for everything. Damn. Somewhere along the way, I’d picked up common sense.

― Richelle Mead

16.

Screw you,” I told him in a low voice.
“Are you offering?”
“From what I’ve heard, there isn’t much to screw,” I shot back.

― Richelle Mead

17.

You look too pretty to be useful.”

“Truer words were never spoken.

― Richelle Mead

18.

You’re in an awfully good mood,” he observed. “Was there a sale at Khakis-R-Us?

― Richelle Mead

19.

I realized I’m in love. It’s always been right in front of me.

― Richelle Mead

20.

My cigarettes and I are going outside. At least they show me respect.

― Richelle Mead

21.

Do you love him?

There were only a few people in the world who could ask me such insanely personal questions without getting punched. Dimitri was one of them.

― Richelle Mead

Top 17 Groucho Marx funny quotes

Are you looking for top Groucho Marx funny quotes? Then the following the best ones among all of Groucho Marx funny quotes.

1.

Short funny quotes by Groucho Marx

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

― Groucho Marx

2.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

― Groucho Marx

3.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

― Groucho Marx

4.

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

― Groucho Marx

5.

When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.

― Groucho Marx

6.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

― Groucho Marx

7.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

― Groucho Marx

8.

Humor is reason gone mad.

― Groucho Marx

9.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

― Groucho Marx

10.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well I have others.

― Groucho Marx

11.

I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.

― Groucho Marx

12.

If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.

― Groucho Marx

13.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

― Groucho Marx

14.

I have nothing but respect for you — and not much of that.

― Groucho Marx

15.

Very short Hilarious sayings about women by Goucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

― Groucho Marx

16.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

― Groucho Marx

17.

Whatever it is, I’m against it.

― Groucho Marx

18.

Funny things on marriage by marx

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

– Groucho Marx

19. Meaningful Funny things By Bret Easton Ellis

Bret E. Ellis is a fiction writer, screenwriter and director. The following funny quotes by famous celebrity will make your day.

1.

If you love listening to audiotapes (as I most) then you can surely understand this funny saying well.

Bret Easton Ellis short funny sayings about Tapes

I have to return some videotapes.

― Bret Easton Ellis

2.

I only had sex with her because I’m in love with you.

― Bret Easton Ellis

3.

We buy balloons, we let them go.

― Bret Easton Ellis

4.

The greed is good. Sex is easy. Youth is forever.

― Bret Easton Ellis

5.

…if you’re alone nothing bad can happen to you.

― Bret Easton Ellis

6.

Scientists peered into data and concluded that we should all be worried.

― Bret Easton Ellis

7.

There is no time for the innocent.

― Bret Easton Ellis

8.

You can’t get dyslexia from pussy.

― Bret Easton Ellis

9.

I don’t know why I write what I write.

― Bret Easton Ellis

10.

All it comes down to is this: I feel like shit but look great.

― Bret Easton Ellis

11.

No one ever likes the right person.

― Bret Easton Ellis

12.

I laugh maniacally, then take a deep breath and touch my chest- expecting a heart to be thumping quickly, impatiently, but there’s nothing there, not even a beat.

― Bret Easton Ellis

13.

There’s no use in denying it: this has been a bad week. I’ve started drinking my own urine.

― Bret Easton Ellis

14.

When the going gets tough, the tough go drinking.”

― Bret Easton Ellis

15.

It strikes me profoundly that the world is more often than not a bad and cruel place.

― Bret Easton Ellis

16.

My pain is constant and sharp…this confession has meant nothing

― Bret Easton Ellis

17.

Life is like a typographical error: we’re constantly writing and rewriting things over each other.

― Bret Easton Ellis

18.

I feel I’m moving toward as well as away from something, and anything is possible.

― Bret Easton Ellis

19.

Why not? Give me one good reason why we shouldn’t get married.”
Because trying to fuck you is like trying to french-kiss a very…. small and… lively gerbil? With braces?

― Bret Easton Ellis

10 Most hilarious quotations by Abraham Lincoln

When you want to get relaxed, you can’t forget the hilarious sayings of Abraham Lincoln. The following are the best short funny quotes about life by Abraham Lincoln.

1.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

– Abraham Lincoln

2.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

– Abraham Lincoln

3.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

– Abraham Lincoln

4.

Avoid popularity if you would have peace.

– Abraham Lincoln

5.

Tact: the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

– Abraham Lincoln

6.

It is not best to swap horses while crossing the river.

– Abraham Lincoln

7.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

– Abraham Lincoln

8.

We trust, sir, that God is on our side. It is more important to know that we are on God’s side.

– Abraham Lincoln

9.

You have to do your own growing no matter how tall your grandfather was.

– Abraham Lincoln

10.

Avoid popularity if you would have peace.

– Abraham Lincoln

13 funny quotations by Albert Einstien

Albert Einstien has been a decent person. So his funny quotations are also decent. But these short funny quotes about life are really hilarious. Aren’t these?

1.

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

– Albert Einstein

2.

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

– Albert Einstein

3.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.

― Albert Einstein

4.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

― Albert Einstein

5.

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.

― Albert Einstein

6.

Creativity is intelligence having fun.

― Albert Einstein

7.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

― Albert Einstein

8.

Everything must be made as simple as possible. But not simpler.

― Albert Einstein

9.

Student: Dr. Einstein, Aren’t these the same questions as last year’s [physics] final exam?

Dr. Einstein: Yes; But this year the answers are different.

― Albert Einstein

10.

It is harder to crack prejudice than an atom.

― Albert Einstein

11.

An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.

― Albert Einstein

12.

When we first got married, we made a pact. It was this: In our life together, it was decided I would make all of the big decisions and my wife would make all of the little decisions. For fifty years, we have held true to that agreement. I believe that is the reason for the success in our marriage. However, the strange thing is that in fifty years, there hasn’t been one big decision.

― Albert Einstein

13.

I think 99 times and find nothing. I stop thinking, swim in silence, and the truth comes to me.

― Albert Einstein

Top 13 inspirational funny quotations by Benjamin Franklin

Although the following quotes by Benjamin Franklin have some deep emotions, luckily these can make you laugh. Especially you might like the short funny quotes about friends and wife.

1.

Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.

– Benjamin Franklin

2.

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

– Benjamin Franklin

3.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

― Benjamin Franklin

4.

I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

― Benjamin Franklin

5.

He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.

― Benjamin Franklin

6.

In the Affairs of this World Men are saved, not by Faith,
but by the Lack of it.

― Ben Franklin

7.

Happiness depends more on the inward disposition of mind than on outward circumstances.

― Benjamin Franklin

8.

If Jack’s in love, he’s no judge of Jill’s beauty.

― Benjamin Franklin

9.

Life biggest tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.

― Benjamin Franklin

10.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girlfriends.

― Benjamin Franklin

11.

The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason.

― Benjamin Franklin

12.

Eat to live, don’t live to eat.

― Benjamin Franklin

13.

There are three faithful friends – an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.

― Benjamin Franklin

Top 7 funniest quotations on life by Douglas Adams

If you’re curious to inspire yourself with short funny quotes about life. Then no doubt, the following funny quotations by Douglas Adams are far better than you can expect.

1.

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

– Douglas Adams

2.

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.

– Douglas Adams

3.

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

– Douglas Adams

4.

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

― Douglas Adams

5.

The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

― Douglas Adams

6.

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

― Douglas Adams

7.

Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?

― Douglas Adams

Top 14 funny jokes by Emo Philips

Emo Philips funny laughable quotes will no doubt make your day. You must share if you like these short funny quotes about life.

1.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

– Emo Philips

2.

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.

– Emo Philips

3.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

– Emo Philips

4.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, ‘Here, lady… take your purse.’

– Emo Philips

5.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

– Emo Philips

6.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

– Emo Philips

7.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

– Emo Philips

8.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics’ heads, where they are safe.

– Emo Philips

9.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’

– Emo Philips

10.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’

– Emo Philips

11.

You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.

– Emo Philips

12.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, ‘Get off me, you two!’

– Emo Philips

13.

England is better only because I stand out there as ‘unusual’.

– Emo Philips

14.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some.

– Emo Philips

Funny laughable quotes by Erma Bombeck

Looks like the following funny laughable quotes have personal exposures reflections. Isn’t it so?

The following short funny sayings by Erma will definitely change your approach to humor. Because the quotes on humor are not that much hilarious. But have some deep emotions.

1.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

– Erma Bombeck

2.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

– Erma Bombeck

3.

When your mother asks, “Do you want a piece of advice?” it’s a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.

― Erma Bombeck

4.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

― Erma Bombeck

5.

I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food.

― Erma Bombeck

6.

Housework can kill you if done right.

― Erma Bombeck

7.

Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.

― Erma Bombeck

8.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

― Erma Bombeck

9.

Written on her tombstone: “I told you I was sick.

― Erma Bombeck

10.

Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It’s unbridled, its unplanned, it’s full of suprises.

― Erma Bombeck

11.

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter-productivity.

― Erma Bombeck

12.

When you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home.

― Erma Bombeck

Top 11 Funny motivational quotes by George Bernard Shaw

It’s a fact that motivational quotations make us strong to keep us running on the track of life. And sometimes we need some inspirations from the best quotations to change our life totally.

But here in following the short funny phrases and hilarious quotes about life, you will not only be amused but you will also get some inspiration for your journey.

George Bernard Shaw has really some different opinions about patriotism and learning. You can learn and be pleased.

1.

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.

– George Bernard Shaw

2.

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

– George Bernard Shaw

3.

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

― George Bernard Shaw

4.

Animals are my friends…and I don’t eat my friends.

― George Bernard Shaw

5.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

― George Bernard Shaw

6.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.

― George Bernard Shaw

7.

The play was a great success, but audience was a dismal failure.

― George Bernard Shaw

8.

I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.

― George Bernard Shaw

9.

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.

― George Bernard Shaw

10.

A photographer is like a cod, which produces a million eggs in order that one may reach maturity.

― George Bernard Shaw

11.

He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.

― George Bernard Shaw

9 Short funny quotes about life by George Burns

If you’re looking for some very interesting short funny quotes on love and relationships. Then the following short funny quotes by George Burns are the most suitable ones.

1.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

– George Burns

2.

If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.

– George Burns

3.

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.

– George Burns

4.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age, I have to hold on to something.

– George Burns

5.

I’m at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

– George Burns

6.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

– George Burns

7.

Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.

– George Burns

8.

By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.

– George Burns

9.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it.

– George Burns

Hopefully, you have enjoyed the funniest quotes and sayings with pictures. If so, you can at least share the short funny quotes and photos with your friends and fellows.

If you really enjoyed the choice then I recommend visiting quotes on being strong with pictures or courage quotes with pictures. And if you are looking for the more humorous quotes and sayings then you can leave a comment to tell us about which topic the funny quotes you like the most?

7 thoughts on “300+ Funny Quotes Categorised By Famous Authors”

  1. Hey Junaid,
    Awesome quotes buddy…
    Feeling so refreshed and really enjoyed reading all your funny quotes.
    Some are super funny I loved it.
    Don’t mind, I noticed one thing thought I should inform you.
    This quote is repeated twice.
    “The planet is fine. The people are fucked”
    Thank you for sharing. Keep me tuned.
    Thanks,
    Priya Pandey

    Reply
    • Thank you, Priya.

      Glad these quotes made you happy. We also have some other collections of funny quotes by famous authors. The links are given in the post. You would like to read.

      Reply

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