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Top 71 Funny Quotes By Mark Twain


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Mark Twains is a legendary humorist. We struggled to collect all of his funny quotes available on the internet.

I’m sure you can’t stop yourself laugh.

Funny quotes by Mark Twain

We also have some great collections of funny quotes, like,

  1. Life is short funny quotes
  2. Very short funny quotes
  3. George Burns funny quotes

that can surely make you laugh.

Well, here are the top 71 funny quotes Mark Twain.


Funny quotes by Mark Twain on quitting smoking
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Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.

— Mark Twain


Funny quotes by Mark Twain on writing
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Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very;’ your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

― Mark Twain


Funny quotes by Mark Twain on classic books
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Classic’ – a book which people praise and don’t read.

— Mark Twain


Funny quotes by Mark Twain on congress
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Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

― Mark Twain


Funny quotes by Mark Twain on funerals
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I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying approved of it.

— Mark Twain


Funny quotes by Mark Twain
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I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.

― Mark Twain


Funny quotes by Mark Twain on interruption
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There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

— Mark Twain


But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

― Mark Twain


God created war so that Americans would learn geography.

— Mark Twain


What would men be without women? Scarce, sir…mighty scarce.

― Mark Twain


Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

— Mark Twain


When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

― Mark Twain


Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.

— Mark Twain


I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

― Mark Twain


I once heard a Californian student in Heidelberg say, in one of his calmest moods, that he would rather decline two drinks than one German adjective.

— Mark Twain


Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

― Mark Twain


Whenever a copyright law is to be made or altered, then the idiots assemble.

— Mark Twain


The easy confidence with which I know another man’s religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

― Mark Twain


I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up.

— Mark Twain


All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.

― Mark Twain


Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

— Mark Twain


Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

― Mark Twain


A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.

— Mark Twain


All generalizations are false, including this one.

— Mark Twain


A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

― Mark Twain


Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

— Mark Twain


I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.

― Mark Twain


If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

— Mark Twain


April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

― Mark Twain


The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.

— Mark Twain


I have found out that there ain’t a no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.

― Mark Twain


Never put off till tomorrow what may be done the day after tomorrow just as well.

― Mark Twain


I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!

― Mark Twain


The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.

― Mark Twain


When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

― Mark Twain


Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

― Mark Twain


There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man’s notion that he is less savage than the other savages.”

― Mark Twain


It’s better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt.

― Mark Twain


If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.

― Mark Twain


In the first place, God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.

― Mark Twain


What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.

― Mark Twain


A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.

― Mark Twain


The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.

― Mark Twain


When red-headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.

― Mark Twain


Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

― Mark Twain


The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.

― Mark Twain


Familiarity breeds contempt and children.

― Mark Twain


It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.

― Mark Twain


Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.

― Mark Twain


The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in heaven.

― Mark Twain


I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.

― Mark Twain


I can last two months on a good compliment.

― Mark Twain


The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

― Mark Twain


Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end, you kill it.

― Mark Twain


The man was made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired.

― Mark Twain


If we would learn what the human race really is at the bottom, we need only observe it in election times.

― Mark Twain


The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.

― Mark Twain


One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

― Mark Twain


I do not like work even when someone else is doing it.

― Mark Twain


I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying ‘flee at once – all is discovered.’ They all left town immediately.

― Mark Twain


Humor is tragedy plus time.

― Mark Twain


Every time I read ‘Pride and Prejudice’ I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.

― Mark Twain


Man – a figment of God’s imagination.
― Mark Twain


An honest politician is an oxymoron.

― Mark Twain


The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.

― Mark Twain


Humor is a great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

― Mark Twain


New Year’s Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

― Mark Twain


In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, one when he was a boy and one when he was a man.

― Mark Twain


I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.

― Mark Twain


Having faith is believing in something you just know ain’t true.

― Mark Twain


Of course, no man is entirely in his right mind at any time.”

― Mark Twain

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