Top 71 Funny Quotes By Mark Twain

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Looking for funny quotes by Mark Twain? The following are the best funny quotes by Mark Twain.

Funny quotes by Mark Twain

We also have some great collections of funny quotes, like life is short funny quotes, very short funny quotes and George Burns funny quotes – that can surely make you laugh.

Well, here are the top 71 funny quotes Mark Twain.

1.

Funny quotes by Mark Twain on quitting smoking
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Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.

— Mark Twain

2.

Funny quotes by Mark Twain on writing
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Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very;’ your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

― Mark Twain

3.

Funny quotes by Mark Twain on classic books
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Classic’ – a book which people praise and don’t read.

— Mark Twain

4.

Funny quotes by Mark Twain on congress
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Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

― Mark Twain

5.

Funny quotes by Mark Twain on funerals
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I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying approved of it.

— Mark Twain

6.

Funny quotes by Mark Twain
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I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.

― Mark Twain

7.

Funny quotes by Mark Twain on interruption
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There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

— Mark Twain

8.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

― Mark Twain

9.

God created war so that Americans would learn geography.

— Mark Twain

10.

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir…mighty scarce.

― Mark Twain

11.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

— Mark Twain

12.

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

― Mark Twain

13.

Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.

— Mark Twain

14.

I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

― Mark Twain

15.

I once heard a Californian student in Heidelberg say, in one of his calmest moods, that he would rather decline two drinks than one German adjective.

— Mark Twain

16.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

― Mark Twain

17.

Whenever a copyright law is to be made or altered, then the idiots assemble.

— Mark Twain

18.

The easy confidence with which I know another man’s religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

― Mark Twain

19.

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up.

— Mark Twain

20.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.

― Mark Twain

21.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

— Mark Twain

22.

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

― Mark Twain

23.

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.

— Mark Twain

24.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

— Mark Twain

25.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

― Mark Twain

26.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

— Mark Twain

27.

I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.

― Mark Twain

28.

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

— Mark Twain

29.

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

― Mark Twain

30.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.

— Mark Twain

31.

I have found out that there ain’t a no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.

― Mark Twain

32.

Never put off till tomorrow what may be done the day after tomorrow just as well.

― Mark Twain

33.

I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!

― Mark Twain

34.

The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.

― Mark Twain

35.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

― Mark Twain

36.

Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

― Mark Twain

37.

There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man’s notion that he is less savage than the other savages.”

― Mark Twain

38.

It’s better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt.

― Mark Twain

39.

If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.

― Mark Twain

40.

In the first place, God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.

― Mark Twain

41.

What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.

― Mark Twain

42.

A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.

― Mark Twain

43.

The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.

― Mark Twain

44.

When red-headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.

― Mark Twain

45.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

― Mark Twain

46.

The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.

― Mark Twain

47.

Familiarity breeds contempt and children.

― Mark Twain

48.

It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.

― Mark Twain

49.

Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.

― Mark Twain

50.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in heaven.

― Mark Twain

51.

I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.

― Mark Twain

52.

I can last two months on a good compliment.

― Mark Twain

53.

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

― Mark Twain

54.

Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end, you kill it.

― Mark Twain

55.

The man was made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired.

― Mark Twain

56.

If we would learn what the human race really is at the bottom, we need only observe it in election times.

― Mark Twain

57.

The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.

― Mark Twain

58.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

― Mark Twain

59.

I do not like work even when someone else is doing it.

― Mark Twain

60.

I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying ‘flee at once – all is discovered.’ They all left town immediately.

― Mark Twain

61.

Humor is tragedy plus time.

― Mark Twain

62.

Every time I read ‘Pride and Prejudice’ I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.

― Mark Twain

63.

Man – a figment of God’s imagination.
― Mark Twain

64.

An honest politician is an oxymoron.

― Mark Twain

65.

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.

― Mark Twain

66.

Humor is a great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

― Mark Twain

67.

New Year’s Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

― Mark Twain

68.

In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, one when he was a boy and one when he was a man.

― Mark Twain

69.

I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.

― Mark Twain

70.

Having faith is believing in something you just know ain’t true.

― Mark Twain

71.

Of course, no man is entirely in his right mind at any time.”

― Mark Twain

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