Mark Twains is a legendary humorist. We struggled to collect all of his funny quotes available on the internet.
I’m sure you can’t stop yourself laugh.
Funny quotes by Mark Twain
We also have some great collections of funny quotes, like,
- Life is short funny quotes
- Very short funny quotes
- George Burns funny quotes
that can surely make you laugh.
Well, here are the top 71 funny quotes Mark Twain.
1.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.
— Mark Twain
2.

Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very;’ your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
― Mark Twain
3.

Classic’ – a book which people praise and don’t read.
— Mark Twain
4.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
― Mark Twain
5.

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying approved of it.
— Mark Twain
6.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.
― Mark Twain
7.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.
— Mark Twain
8.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
― Mark Twain
9.
God created war so that Americans would learn geography.
— Mark Twain
10.
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir…mighty scarce.
― Mark Twain
11.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
— Mark Twain
12.
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
― Mark Twain
13.
Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.
— Mark Twain
14.
I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
― Mark Twain
15.
I once heard a Californian student in Heidelberg say, in one of his calmest moods, that he would rather decline two drinks than one German adjective.
— Mark Twain
16.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
― Mark Twain
17.
Whenever a copyright law is to be made or altered, then the idiots assemble.
— Mark Twain
18.
The easy confidence with which I know another man’s religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
― Mark Twain
19.
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up.
— Mark Twain
20.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
― Mark Twain
21.
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
— Mark Twain
22.
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
― Mark Twain
23.
A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.
— Mark Twain
24.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
— Mark Twain
25.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
― Mark Twain
26.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
— Mark Twain
27.
I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.
― Mark Twain
28.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
— Mark Twain
29.
April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
― Mark Twain
30.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
— Mark Twain
31.
I have found out that there ain’t a no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.
― Mark Twain
32.
Never put off till tomorrow what may be done the day after tomorrow just as well.
― Mark Twain
33.
I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!
― Mark Twain
34.
The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.
― Mark Twain
35.
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
― Mark Twain
36.
Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
― Mark Twain
37.
There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man’s notion that he is less savage than the other savages.”
― Mark Twain
38.
It’s better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt.
― Mark Twain
39.
If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.
― Mark Twain
40.
In the first place, God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.
― Mark Twain
41.
What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.
― Mark Twain
42.
A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.
― Mark Twain
43.
The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.
― Mark Twain
44.
When red-headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.
― Mark Twain
45.
Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.
― Mark Twain
46.
The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.
― Mark Twain
47.
Familiarity breeds contempt and children.
― Mark Twain
48.
It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.
― Mark Twain
49.
Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.
― Mark Twain
50.
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in heaven.
― Mark Twain
51.
I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.
― Mark Twain
52.
I can last two months on a good compliment.
― Mark Twain
53.
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
― Mark Twain
54.
Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end, you kill it.
― Mark Twain
55.
The man was made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired.
― Mark Twain
56.
If we would learn what the human race really is at the bottom, we need only observe it in election times.
― Mark Twain
57.
The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.
― Mark Twain
58.
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
― Mark Twain
59.
I do not like work even when someone else is doing it.
― Mark Twain
60.
I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying ‘flee at once – all is discovered.’ They all left town immediately.
― Mark Twain
61.
Humor is tragedy plus time.
― Mark Twain
62.
Every time I read ‘Pride and Prejudice’ I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.
― Mark Twain
63.
Man – a figment of God’s imagination.
― Mark Twain
64.
An honest politician is an oxymoron.
― Mark Twain
65.
The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.
― Mark Twain
66.
Humor is a great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
― Mark Twain
67.
New Year’s Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
― Mark Twain
68.
In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, one when he was a boy and one when he was a man.
― Mark Twain
69.
I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.
― Mark Twain
70.
Having faith is believing in something you just know ain’t true.
― Mark Twain
71.
Of course, no man is entirely in his right mind at any time.”
― Mark Twain
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